That was my mantra for the past week. Leave me ALONE, please. Yes, I was isolating myself in a very bad way. I was completely justified of course because quite frankly how could I dare show my face in public after doing so many heinous crimes. What crimes? Well let me tell you. The crime of selfishness, self defeat, perfectionism, whining, inadequacy, disappointment, stress, unbelief and of course complete and utter failure. Yup, that summarizes it well. That is why I could not bare to show my face in public, on the web or anywhere else for that matter.
Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? YUP it sure does and my best friend of 39 years lovingly told me so. I love her! Of course, she was the only one that I was talking to during my trip back to the dark pit that I always seem to find myself wandering back to when I can’t control my life. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! Oh no, I think I just admitted a truth here.
I am a control freak.
Yes and that was pointed out to me yesterday by another dear friend. Ouch! I had never ever ever in my wildest dreams thought that I could be a control freak. However I do believe my perspective on control may have been a little bit off. So I did what anyone would do, I Googled it. I entered define: control freak and here’s what I got…….
Ouch again! So I had to think about this really. Sleep on it too. And this morning guess what I discovered. It is TRUE! Oh there is that pit in the middle of my stomach. The one that I feel when I’ve come face to face with a truth that leaves me with a choice to make. The choice is who am I going to let control my life…..Me or God? One scripture for me sums up who is really in control:
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2011 was a year of surrender for me, but did I truly surrender? I went back and took an honest look at my year today. It seems that every three months I had a pity party and went back to controlling my own life. I had to repent and die to self over and over again because my flesh rose up to take over so many times. Well this leaves me with that pit in my stomach feeling again and this time it’s not making me want to run away and hide from all of life as though I had it so bad. I mean I have lived through much worse, quite frankly I handled those times much better as well, without the pity parties. In those “real” crisis times I trusted and leaned on God to see me through. I cried out to Jesus every moment and trusted Him to get me through. So what changed? I don’t know really but I am on a quest to understand this cyclical pattern of mine and while I am doing so really learn once again how to die to self.
Galatians 5:24 ~ Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Romans 6:11 ~ Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Colossians 3:3 ~ For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
So as I leave this blog today. I want to publicly thank those friends that God put in my life after much crying and prayer for pressing me when I was pushing you away, for calling, texting and showing up at my door. For speaking truth even when I got mad at you. I love you all!!! You know who you are. And trust me I know that it was God just proving me wrong in my stinking thinking once again so I am eternally grateful to Him first for loving me so much that He won’t let me control my own life. And I am grateful to you my friends who pull me out of the fire when I get too close. God bless you all!!