Leave Me ALONE, please!

That was my mantra for the past week. Leave me ALONE, please. Yes, I was isolating myself in a very bad way.  I  was completely justified of course because quite frankly how could I dare show my face in public after doing so many heinous crimes. What crimes? Well let me tell you. The crime of selfishness, self defeat, perfectionism, whining, inadequacy, disappointment, stress, unbelief and of course complete and utter failure.  Yup, that summarizes it well. That is why I could not bare to show my face in public, on the web or anywhere else for that matter.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? YUP it sure does and my best friend of 39 years lovingly told me so.  I love her! Of course, she was the only one that I was talking to during my trip back to the dark pit that I always seem to find myself wandering back to when I can’t control my life. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! Oh no, I think I just admitted a truth here.

I am a control freak.

Yes and that was pointed out to me yesterday by another dear friend. Ouch! I had never ever ever in my wildest dreams thought that I could be a control freak. However I do believe my perspective on control may have been a little bit off.  So I did what anyone would do, I Googled it. I entered define: control freak and here’s what I got…….

con·trol freak

A person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control and to take command of any situation.

Ouch again! So I had to think about this really.  Sleep on it too.  And this morning guess what I discovered. It is TRUE! Oh there is that pit in the middle of my stomach. The one that I feel when I’ve come face to face with a truth that leaves me with a choice to make. The choice is who am I going to let control my life…..Me or God? One scripture for me sums up who is really in control:

Genesis 1:1  In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2011 was a year of surrender for me, but did I truly surrender? I went back and took an honest look at my year today. It seems that every three months I had a pity party and went back to controlling my own life. I had to repent and die to self over and over again because my flesh rose up to take over so many times. Well this leaves me with that pit in my stomach feeling again and this time it’s not making me want to run away and hide from all of life as though I had it so bad. I mean I have lived through much worse,  quite frankly I handled those times much better as well, without the pity parties. In those “real” crisis times I trusted and leaned on God to see me through. I cried out to Jesus every moment and trusted Him to get me through. So what changed?  I don’t know really but I am on a quest to understand this cyclical pattern of mine and while I am doing so really learn once again how to die to self.

Galatians 5:24 ~ Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Romans 6:11 ~ Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Colossians 3:3 ~ For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ~ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

So as I leave this blog today. I want to publicly thank those friends that God put in my life after much crying and prayer for pressing me when I was pushing you away,  for calling, texting and showing up at my door.  For speaking truth even when I got mad at you.  I love you all!!! You know who you are. And trust me I know that it was God just proving me wrong in my stinking thinking once again so I am eternally grateful to Him first for loving me so much that He won’t let me control my own life. And I am grateful to you my friends who pull me out of the fire when I get too close. God bless you all!!


This was written on Saturday 11/19/11……

What kind of legacy will I leave? I went to two memorial services today for two women who loved and were loved by many.  I left the last service pondering the kind of legacy I will leave when I leave this world.

What will people say at my funeral?
What will people say of me after I die?

I know that once upon a time I was not leaving a very good legacy at all. I was so selfish and self absorbed that I was absolutely no good to anyone. I couldn’t even see past the dark turtle shell that was my safe place, my hiding place, my place to run to when life was hard. I couldn’t see past my own pain and hurting. If I had died in that place, I can imagine there probably would have been 3 people who would show up for my funeral, my kids. I didn’t talk to anyone else, just my kids. I didn’t step outside the shell to see what was on the outside because I feared that if people got to know me, the true me, they wouldn’t like me. They would shun me and why wouldn’t they? Everyone else in my life had shunned me or so I thought. My life had no meaning or purpose and yet I loved the Lord with all my heart but I couldn’t even feel His love for me. I knew He loved everyone else but how could He possible love me? I was a mess.

Today I no longer hide in the turtle shell. I don’t even have it anymore to be honest. I’m not quite sure where I lost it but I truly hope it doesn’t find its way back because I have no use for it anymore. I am out in the open where there’s fresh air and people. Yes, I have people in my life now. People who love me and sometimes I sit back and think about that whole idea that people love me. It took me understanding God’s love for me before I could ever receive anyone else’s love for me.  As I look back I see that people loved me even when I was stuck in that turtle shell all alone. I was desperately trying to get out at the same time I was desperately trying to stay in there. You might think that sounds impossible but believe me that’s where I was. I think some of you might understand that though. We all have our stories, we all have our stuff.

So back to my question, what kind of legacy do I want to leave? Well first and foremost I am really unconcerned anymore about what people will say when I leave this earth. Quite frankly my main concern is what will Jesus say when I stand before Him? Will I even be able to stand when that day comes? I think of the song “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe. Will He say to me.. “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.” or will He say  “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ” I hope it will be the first option. I want to live my life surrendered to Christ and His Lordship. I want to love others and serve others with reckless abandon. I want to make my days on this earth count. I want to walk worthy of the calling of Christ Jesus. That’s the legacy I want to leave. And maybe someone will say at my funeral….She loved Jesus and she loved others, we will miss her. That will be a good legacy in my eyes.

Matthew 25:31-46

The Sheep and the Goats

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”